Tuesday, 2 November 2010

Ashes advent calendar: Sledging

A firm fixture of the Ashes these days is the practice of Sledging, whereby the fielding side, particularly the bowler or wicketkeeper, attempts to disrupt the batsman's concentration by way of verbal intimidation, mickey-taking, abuse, or anything else with half a chance of working. The Australians are past masters. Rather than give you some long analysis of where it came from, I'll just list as many of the most amusing examples as I can find.


Merv Hughes (to Graham Hick): "So, Graham, what does your husband do while you're playing cricket?"

Merv Hughes: "I'll bowl you a fucking piano, you pommie poof. Let's see if you can play that."

Steve Kirby (beginning a bowling spell against a nervous-looking batsman): "Round the wicket umpire, and call an ambulance."

Denis Lillee (to Mike Gatting): "Move out the way Gatt, I can't see the stumps."

Malcolm Marshall : "Now David, Are you going to get out now or am I going to have to bowl around the wicket and kill you?"

Ian Healy (after Atherton appeared to be out during a tour Down Under): "You fucking cheat. I thought you Englishmen always walked?"
Michael Atherton: "When in Rome, dear boy..."

Rod Marsh: "How's your wife... and my kids?"
Ian Botham: "Oh the wife's fine, but the kids are retarded."

Glen McGrath: "Eddo, why are you so fucking fat?"
Eddo Brandes: "Because every time I sleep with your wife, she gives me a biscuit."

Javed Miandad: "You look like a fat bus conductor"
Merv Hughes (after clean-bowling Miandad): "TICKETS PLEASE!"

Viv Richards (after Merv Hughes repeatedly glared at him after deliveries): "This is my island, my culture. Don't you be staring at me. In my culture we just bowl."
Merv Hughes (after dismissing him): "In my culture we just say FUCK OFF"

Ian Healy (to a batsman who had just called for a runner): "You don't get a runner for being an overweight, unfit, fat cunt!"

Shane Warne: "I've been waiting two years for another opportunity to humiliate you."
Daryl Cullinan: "Looks like you've spent it eating."

Raman Subba Row (after a misfield off Trueman's bowling): "Sorry Fred, I should have kept my legs together."
Fred Trueman: "So should your mother."

Mark Waugh: "Fuck me, look who it is. Mate, what are you doing out here? There's no way you're good enough to play for England."
James Ormond: "Maybe not, but at least I'm the best player in my family."

Fred Trueman (to a new batsman walking onto the field): "Don't bother shutting that gate son, you won't be out there long enough."

Michael Clarke: "Nixon, you're a club cricketer."
Paul Nixon: "How's it going to feel, Michael, to be caught by a club cricketer? How. Is. That. Going. To. Feel? You know what, you're going to make a club cricketer's day."

Don Brennan (wicketkeeper): "Don't get him out yet Johnny, he smells so bloody lovely."

Merv Hughes: "You can't fucking bat."
Robin Smith (later, after hitting a boundary): "Hey Merv, we make a fine pair - I can't fucking bat, and you can't fucking bowl."

Mark Waugh: "Oh, I remember you from a couple years ago in Australia. You were shit then you're fucking useless now."
Adam Parore: "Yeah, that's me and when I was there you were going out with that old, ugly slut and now I hear you've married her. You dumb cunt!"

Aussie fans (to Phil Tuffnel): "Oi, Tuffers! Can we borrow your brain? We're building an idiot!"

Steve Waugh: "Enjoy it Nasser, this is your last Test. We'll never see you again."

Andrew Flintoff: "Mind the windows, Tino." (to a Tino West, who immediately afterwards got out stumped coming down the wicket trying to slog)

Shane Warne: "What does it take to get this fat fuck to come down the wicket?"
Ian Healy: "Put a Mars bar on a good length, that should do it."
Arjuna Ranatunga: "Don't bother, Boonie will be onto it well before I can move."

Jamie Siddons (after Waugh had taken his time observing the field placings): "For Christ's sake, it's not a test match."
Steve Waugh: "Of course it isn't - you're playing."

Did you know: The term "Sledging" is reputed to derive from Graham Corling drawing attention to the supposed infidelity of the incoming batsman's wife by singing "When a Man Loves a Woman", a song originally made famous by Percy Sledge.

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